My kids woke up 45 minutes earlier this morning then they would on a school day. That’s the thing: on weekdays I have to drag them out of bed at 6:45, but on a Saturday when the adults would like to sleep until a reasonable hour, they charge in to our bedroom at 6am wide awake and jacked up like it’s Christmas morning. 

We get downstairs, and look out the window; low and behold there’s a thick layer of snow covering everything. It’s mid October no one is surprised, but nobody ever expects snow until it comes either. The kids were eager to get outside. Which basically means, after an hour of begging them to get dressed and brush their teeth then it’s 20 minutes of getting ready, 30 minutes of outside time, and 20 minutes getting clothes off and away. But the the much beloved hot chocolate, and freshly made cookies that follow make it worth the effort. At least for today. 

Yesterday was a challenge to keep my promise of sweeping the floor, it took most of the day, and it almost didn’t get done; but in the end I pushed through. Today I’m just going to enjoy being with my family. If any chores get done, then that’s a bonus. 

*** High functioning depression. Not just a name, or an excuse. It’s the daily work of getting out of bed. It’s using up all your spoons just getting through the morning routine. The irritation, the overwhelm. The inability to explain what’s wrong when your husband asks what’s going on. Commitments kept, expectations met. Life lived. Excitement, joy, cheer, enthusiasm turned down low; maybe switched off. 

Then there’s the spark… The tingle of overwhelming love, appreciation, peace. Felt in a moment; no explanation, no instructions, just a random trigger. Beauty that makes the flat more pronounced. Still, a grateful feeling swells in the  belly because beauty still exists. 

Another day, another battle for existence. No crisis, no drama. Just a hill to be silently climbed while the world keeps spinning. ****

Yesterday I washed my daughters shoes, among other things. Today I’ll sweep the living room and kitchen floor. 

My house is a disaster. Like I mean not just messy or cluttered, but can’t find anything, have way too much stuff, I can spend a month cleaning and it doesn’t look like I’ve put a dent in it. That kind of mess. I care. I do. But I still invite people over, I apologize for the mess, but only half heartedly. I spend hours staring at the mess but don’t do anything about it. Every now and then I clean up enough to function. Then I expect everyone to notice… But I really don’t want them to notice at the same time. I cry, I yell, I stress, I pray. But I still leave the mess and hope for it to clean itself. Guess what? It doesn’t. 

I have four children under 8. My youngest is one, and I’m still in my  part partum depression era. You know what doesn’t help with a mood disorder? Mess. You know what doesn’t help motivate me to clean up? Depression, overwhelm, exhaustion, and relationship troubles. And so it goes. 

Adulting is hard. I’m nearly 40, and I’m still trying to figure out stuff that I feel like I should have absorbed by 25. I mean I have to fight with myself just to get in the shower. When my kids are napping or at school, I want to stare at my phone or drink my coffee, or stare into space. 

I wrote this all out today. Now I’m going to pick up all the stuff off my living room floor. Maybe I’ll write again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll do something productive then too. 

* this post and it’s title is inspired by Dana K White and her book “Jesus doesn’t care about your messy house.”* 

What is this feeling, so sudden, and new. I felt the moment I laid eyes on you. My pulse is rushing, my face is flushing, what is this feeling? Fervent as a flame, does it have a name…YES ( From the Broadway musical “Wicked”).

I watched you fall asleep tonight, then I continued to lay beside you on the floor and watch you sleep. I was lost in thoughts of you as a wild child two year old, a sassy sixteen year old, and a know it all twenty five year old. But right now, at three months old, you’ve stolen my heart. I can’t believe that God has given me such a gift, as the opportunity to watch you grow. I never knew such love existed as this breath taking, awe striking, thunder storming kind of feeling. It’s as if my soul has been ripped in half and one piece put inside you. I think this must be what Agape love feels like. Not just unconditional, but innate, uncontrollable, inescapable, a kind of love that changes the world. It’s like Emmett Fox said “If only you could love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world.”

As people, we are only capable of love because we have been loved by our creator. If I have only one wish for you my darling daughter, it is that you will know you are loved in this way. I wish for you to be the most powerful person in the world, to love as if your soul is overflowing, because you are precious, and important. You are a vital piece of God’s puzzle, and it could not be completed without you. God will search for you, and find you when you are lost. He will never be far away, and if you but whisper his name he will be there before the word is off your lips. He sent his son to die for you. I know now what kind of sacrifice that is. If it would erase one bit of suffering I would die for you, and I am not the being from whom love came; for who it was named, love personified: The trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; the one we simply call “God.” If you will call upon Jesus to glorify his name, you will change the world with your love. All because he loved me enough to give me my hearts desire. You: Sweet Child of Mine.

My long cherished child. You are literally the culmination of my hopes and dreams to this date. I’ve had goals, and I’ve accomplished them, with varying levels of success and satisfaction. Sometimes getting what you want in life is different then you thought it would be. Sometimes you push really hard for something only to achieve it, and realize there might have been a better way. But you…you are the only thing I’ve ever wanted to the exclusion of all else.

What do I want you to know? I want you to know you are precious, you are loved, and your life is sacred. Whether you’re an angel, or a wild-child. If you turn out to be as smart as Einstein, as talented as Beethoven, as saavy as Bill Gates, or just an average Joe; your life has already changed the world and you haven’t even taken your first breath. I want the world for you, but I want to expect nothing. I want you to discover the world: it’s magic, it’s pain, it’s wonder, and it’s horror. I want you to love yourself, and I want you to have enough pain to appreciate the joy in life, but enough love to crawl through the dark and remember the light.

You are my soul allowed to wander around in the form of a separate human being. I’m terrified of your existence. I want to be a perfect parent, a perfect role model. I want to love you unconditionally, and without error or blemish. But I know that is not possible. Only God is capable of that. So just know that I’m doing my best. Please remember that even at your worst you are no less valuable, worthy, or precious. Nothing you can do will ever make me love you more, or less.

My wish for you is that you’ll be free to be you, whoever that might be, and that as you lay on your deathbed- God willing at the ripe old age of 187 at least; you’ll know that you lived and loved and cried, and that your life was everything you wanted it to be.

Thank you God, for bringing us here. I love my aunt and uncle. But what’s going to happen now? Do we have to go back home? I know mommy loves us but it’s so warm in auntie’s house, and it always smells nice. It’s so fun here. I get to go to school with Maria, and I get to keep learning how to speak French. I get to hear my Uncle sing in the choir at church every Sunday. Most of all, we are safe here; Andy and I. I think so, anyway. I think Auntie Morgan and Uncle John really love us. You love me too don’t you? Please let me and Andy stay together. It’s my job to keep him safe- mommy said to stick together like glue. Uncle John says that you let your son be born as a human, and that people made fun of him, and hurt his feelings. Then the mean people killed him. But Jesus didn’t fight, even when he knew he was going to die because he knew that if he died then Satan would let the rest of humans live forever- even when we die we get to live with God. Uncle John also said that you love us right now, and that you hear us when we pray to you. He also said that even though Jesus died, he got to come back to life, and now he lives in heaven with you. Auntie Morgan says she prays for us every single day, and that I can tell you anything I want, and it won’t make you mad, or sad, and you won’t tell anybody.

On my next birthday, I’m going to be seven years old. Today Auntie Morgan asked me if me and Andy want to stay and live with her and Uncle John forever! She said that I’m big enough to choose, and I should think about it. I don’t have to think about it, I said yes! God you gave me just what I asked for! Thank you! I don’t think Andy understands, but we have lived in a lot of places, so maybe he doesn’t know how good this news is! I told him that Uncle John will keep us safe. He loves God, and God is the king of the whole world! We don’t have to stay in the closet on the weekends, and we can eat whenever we want, only we are not allowed to have snacks before supper because it will ruin our dinner Auntie Morgan says. I don’t know what that means, but at dessert time, I’m always allowed to have rice pudding. it’s in an orange container, and Auntie Morgan helps me take the lid off because it has a big pop tab on it that you have to pull really hard, and then the edges are sharp.

Today was my birthday. Auntie Morgan said I could go into Her and Uncle Johns room before he even got out of bed to say good morning, she said the door will be open the whole time, which is good because I love Uncle John, but I loved my Daddy too, but when he shuts the bedroom door, and we are alone together he hurts me. Don’t tell anyone God, because he told me I shouldn’t ever tell anyone, but I think it’s safe to tell you. Anyways, when I went into the bedroom Uncle John said Happy Birthday Cupcake! I laughed because I’m not a cupcake, I’m a girl! He said I remind him of the pretty colourful sprinkles on a cupcake, that’s why he calls me that. I said Happy Birthday Uncle John! and then I laughed again, because he laughed, and said, Oh is it my birthday too!? I made a mistake but he just gave me a hug and said I’m precious- I don’t know what that means, but it is a beautiful word. He asked me how old I was- he already knew that, but I wanted to tell him so I said “Today I am seven years old; How old are you?” Uncle John said “I’m as old as my tongue, and a little older then my teeth.” What a silly thing to say! I guess that means he wants to keep his age a secret. Grown-ups like to do that sometimes.

Green eyes, red hair;
Cuddled in her favourite chair.
Ruler divine, all must hail;
As she bolts through the house,
chasing her tail.
“No seafood, no snow mold,
NO CONE ON MY HEAD.
Pet me, and scratch me,
As I shed and I shed.”

Her ‘puppy dog’ eyes,
with her fierce attitude;
All of us watch her,
And she brightens our mood.
She’s trouble they told me,
And that much is true;
She’s entitled, and picky-
She might pee in your shoe.

It’s worth all the chaos
when she purr’s at my feet,
and tells me she loves me;
but get out of her seat.
At the end of the day, she’ll lie on my pillow,
and all I can say is, Willow, be Willow.

His skin is smooth, and brown like cocoa with a bit of copper. His body is young, his muscles pronounced.  To touch him feels to ones fingers, as thick cream feels to the tongue. In contrast his hair is course- almost sharp to touch. Jet black, with too much hair product failing to control the jungle of it. His almost black eyes hold just enough brown to see the warmth of his soul residing within them. His smile is engaging, but guarded. He’s trying hard to maintain an appearance that can “keep up with the Jones’s” so to speak. But the charming crookedness of his teeth keeps anyone from being fooled. He can be critical, judgmental, and entitled; but she sees past that to his anxiety, and his obsessive craving for control that continues to elude him. He struggles to see much joy in life- despite his class clown persona. He sees struggle, persecution, and obligation. He feels pressure from all sides, and she is the only one around to whom he isn’t afraid to express himself. So he makes her feel unwanted, unloved, belittled, and used. He wants to make her feel guilty for the obligation he has toward her. She sees the anxiety, the loyalty, and the reliability behind it all. He doesn’t want her, or anyone else to see it, but it’s the elephant in the room, and he’s the only one blind to it. He can’t admit it to himself, let alone outsiders. Some people say she is blinded by her love for him, or they say he has brainwashed her. But she knew going in the cost of the commitment, and she isn’t going anywhere.

She’s not a martyr, and she’s not without fault herself. She could be stunningly attractive, if she wanted to be. She has a good career, she’s intelligent, and straightforward. From the outside, she seems like a catch- one that he, or anyone would be lucky to have. However, she’s not a very good housewife, and she can’t cook. She also has an obsession with being right. She’s strong willed, and stubborn, and if you cross her you’ll know it, and live to regret it. There’s something about her that keeps men away; she’s got baggage that not even she can pinpoint. But, she makes people love her, she makes the world less oppressive, and she adds beauty to it wherever she goes. She’s a powerhouse, and there’s no stopping her once she’s made a decision. Her compassion and empathy; her generosity, and fierce love have no bounds, and no equal. Her eyes give her away, and her facial expression leaves no need for interpretation- if she wants it to be that way. However, when necessary she can leave even the most intense of interactions or emotional moments, without any trace of the chemical processes that can make a human being so vulnerable. She takes pride in her ability to been seen as a robot in one moment, and an empath in the next. She takes complicated to a whole new level, and a marriage to her will be high risk for high reward. She’s not someone to be taken lightly, and he now understands that he was mistaken if he thought marriage to her would be frivolous, or cheap, and easy. Maybe he didn’t understand that some choices don’t come with a money back guarantee. This marriage, to this girl, is a commitment that will not be broken.